HOW DO YOU HEAL... IF YOU'RE STILL BEING HARMED?

Have you ever seen those posts on Instagram that say “heal your inner child” or “parenting your childhood wounds”? I always see those posts and do a bit of an eye roll because my question always is… How can you parent your inner child, even if you are still being harmed.. by a parent?

This has been something that I always just thought to myself because there is so much shame around disagreements with parents and even as an adult, you think that you are supposed to be the bigger person and life is too short to argue with parents and Honor thy father and mother. Yadda Yadda.

If you know me in real life, you may have heard me talk about my relationship with my father for years and how it has gone back and forth, but that we had finally had a break through after we wrote a letter to one another about things and then we were better.

I was so proud of that. We had a number of years of improvements, but even then I still walked on egg shells around him. Not saying anything that would set him off, pacifying his narcissistic behavior and trying to get along to go along. I would do this for as long as I could and then I would explode (the last time was a few months before my brother died on Juneteenth of all days).

We eventually rebounded from our last argument, still never addressing the problem, but after my brother died, I thought things would be different. I thought things would be better. I thought he would be open to trying to have an authentic, honest and realistic relationship. But I was wrong.

My family and I took a trip to Georgia, the state where my father lives in the summer and I asked my father multiple times before coming, would we be able to see him when we were there. He said yes. When we got there, I sent a text to him and I instantly knew when he didn’t reply….. We wouldn’t see him. I was immediately transported back to childhood, sitting in front of my window, waiting for him to come and pick me up and feeling guilty for feeling sad, and knowing that I would never get an apology for his

The fam and I went on to Savannah and our plan was to see him once we returned from Atlanta and on the day of our return he sent a message that said

“Shaun, I would be able to make dinner tomorrow. Enjoy Georgia!!” My heart sank. I knew it would happen and I tried to prepare for it, but it still hurt.

In past years, I would have really snapped but this time my reply was

Well this is sad but not surprising. I tried to have faith that you would join us but I knew you wouldn’t come. I tried to prepare for disappointment but it still feels the same”

He never replied, never addressed my message, never called or texted for 2 months. Then his birthday came and I again, feeling like I needed to be an obedient daughter sent him a text to say Happy Birthday. His reply was thank you! Cheers again, never addressing my pain and hurt in my last text. I moved on and didn’t reply.

Following this a few days later he sent a message to my sister, aunt and myself saying how he had made a sizable donation in my brothers name to a Mental Health organization. You see, this is his common theme, look at me! I am great! Avoiding all things. I ignored the text.

The next day, my sister sent a message expressing her feelings and again, he was dismissive, avoidant and tried to shame my sister and put the blame on us. While I stayed out of the conversation for as long as I could, he eventually called my sister, aunt and I Bitter Betty’s and the reason for all family conflict. Said that all arguments were because we stopped talking and that he was always “At Peace”.

Again, in the past I would have gone HAM. Like OFF, OFF. But I said that I now recognized what this was. Abuse. He was someone who would never be accountable to anything, he would always blame and shame the women in our family and that in all of my life he acted as if I were supposed to be as accountable to him as much as he was to me and that was not true.

He was the adult when I was a child. He was the adult when I was in my early 20’s. But now, I am the adult and I recognize in order for me to live a full healthy life I have to live it without him. Just because he gave birth to me, has taken me to nice dinners, I don’t have to be a victim of his verbal and emotional abuse all because he had the title of Father. I realize that if I ever really want to heal, I have to remove myself from the harm. Even if I am removing myself from my father.